i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
