I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
