Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
