3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
