I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
