Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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