The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
