so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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