Plan B is the new Plan A
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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