meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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