you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Enjoy the penises
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
