Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
