i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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