My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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