The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
