ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
