If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
