Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
