I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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