is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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