i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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