No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
