dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
