I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
