Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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