Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
