Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
