My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
