End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
