There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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