She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
