You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
