It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
