She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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