I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
