You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
