she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
