i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
