It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
