Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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