yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I checked into jail on foursquare
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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