it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
