Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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