Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
