My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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