I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
