He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
