i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
