That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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