6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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