my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
